This is one of the hardest post I have ever done...
The day I thought we would be married
I said: what about my eyes?
God said: Keep them on the road.
I said: what about my passion?
God said: Keep it burning.
I said: what about my heart?
God said: Tell me what you hold inside it?
I said: pain and sorrow
He said: ..stay with it.
The wound is the place where the Light enters you.
The wound is gaping, we split months ago....In this relationship I grappled with my own belief systems, a difficult set of "circumstances", the death of my ideologies and worked hard to open my self to this beautiful man, who loved me in a way that I had never experienced before. I opened and trusted deeper than ever before ...wider and deeper...more and more vulnerable...and then he was gone. The space that had been created to make room for this foreign object into my heart, my body, my life, my mind, my soul was now empty and gaping.
I found in you a home.
Your departure left me a Shelterless Victim of a Major Disaster
I called the Red Cross but they refused to send a nurse over.
-How to Survive the Loss of a Love
I was told that my job was to do my work, face my shadows, and hold the space open. I did for 103 days. He still has not returned. Disinterested in turning around to see the puddle of me that's left in his absence. He told me,"I showed you the way now build on that". Indeed I will, I know no other way...but truth be told I don't want another lover. I want the man who awoken the goddess within me, who held my hand everyday over the last year in the face of my "bratty" reaction to falling in love with a man and a new direction in life that didn't match my picture, my plan, my path...my destructive ideals.
The day I cut my hair we had our final, gut-wrenching conversation where I turned myself inside out in one last desperate attempt to connect to that man... deep inside there somewhere, who loved me unconditionally and promised no matter what would love me forever. The man who invited me to fall with him....who held me as I struggled with my life and what wasn't working about it showing me another way to relax into what was so about the life I was given. I don't regret that he held his boundaries and said that he needed more from a partner ultimately than what I had been able to give him...I respect that and agree it was a good choice...although I would have preferred to be loved gently through this process by him...I realize that sometime you need a wake up call, a kick out of the nest, a death...to really right yourself. He doesn't believe that people really change...that's the difference between he and I. I believe most people don't really change...but I do believe it is possible! He obviously doesn't really understand the woman he was with, as my life is devoted to transformation,...or he just can't deal with holding my hand anymore through my metamorphosis.... I think if we peeled back the cocoon to look at the butterfly in the in-between stage...we would see a bloody, pussy, disgusting mess. We wouldn't believe unless we had seen it before that this mess was going to become a beautiful soaring butterfly. Well as negative, and busted and tired and rejected and disillusioned that I am right now...and trust me this shit is UGLY!!! God put in my heart a DEEP desire to live life as a human with all that comes with it to its fullest....to soar. Yep, this is my life...and its whack sometimes...and other people can't understand why I would reveal such intimate things, why I would take on so much and make my life so difficult, why? Because this is me, and this is my path...I will be happiest in this life if I am me...1000%. (hint, hint...so will you)
So last Saturday (and the 8 days proceeding ) were really dark. I finally accepted the fact that I needed to let go. I picked up an old tattered book How to survive the Loss of a Love (a hand-me-down from my mother at almost the exact same age) and I realized this, I was in the phase that so many have walked before me when they have a loss. Denial, then Anger/Depression, then Acceptance. My holding on in the denial phase was only prolonging my healing. So in an instant I began to accept, this was the first step....yes this was really happening, he was choosing to leave me. I was then catapulted, with no soft place to land, into the world of anger and depression. And last week has been depressing! My friends, you are saints...because I am a literal bummer to be around.
So on Saturday, I was trying to get my head on straight enough so I could be a loving, fun mommy to my sweet young children who's belief about love and life are being formed inside of my storm. I carved out the morning to do some spiritual practices. I reviewed the November Forecast from The Power Path, it said:
November 23-30: A good time for community, support and rest. There is an energetic exhaustion much like what follows an actual birth. Know that you have been through the worst. What follows now is an adjustment to the new life and what it brings. What follows now is also setting things up right for everything new that comes with this new way of being with new rules, new boundaries, new friends, new creativity and new disciplines. Discipline right now is about staying away and out of anything and everything that would cause you stress, negative reactions, losing your boundaries and sliding back into old patterns and anything that does not serve. Include some fun in your life and be in humor as much as possible. Trust you heart!
Interestingly enough Saturday was the 23rd. It says above I have been through the worst and that what is next is setting up structures for new things to come my way. While my kids obliviously watched Saturday cartoons, I sat with this gaping hole in the center of my chest, in bed, put my headphones on and set the intention for my transformation. The woman on the MP3 from the power path said, "whenever you release something you must fill it back up, you must fill the space back up with light, with something you want" I closed my eyes as she began to sing the most beautiful song/chant, and in an instant she filled my heart with beauty and my heart sang with joy and I wept. These were no longer tears of sorrow, longing, or regret but tears of release. This life is filled with beautiful moments...art, song, dance, love, hugs, kisses, laughter, play. No doubt there is a gaping hole in my heart...but now I see so clearly what the moments that follow must be about...filling it with light...that is my charge. Since Saturday I have had sad, dark moments...and then I say to myself fill it with light...and I breathe, listen to music, kiss my babies, tell someone I love them or appreciate them and I continue one foot in front of the other to continue to live this life.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
-"After the Storm", Mumford & Sons