Recently I have been reconnected with a friend of sorts...I referred to him in another blog as Magical Man. It has been about a year since he and I were connecting on a regular basis. Right around the same time that I was involved in a relationship that left me "broken open" and he would find himself in jail for 4 weeks. Spirit has clearly had our paths cross again. Someone reminded me of the book Celestine Prophecy where it suggests that if you run into someone three times they have a special gift to give you. This friend and I had not seen or heard from each other in about a year and now we have run into each other unexpectedly three times. I have taken note of that and am available to what spirit is telling me through this man.
Today he shared with me how he surrendered to spirit while sitting in jail...not the kind of "I am praying for you to give me my way and I will trust that you will" kind of surrender. But the kind where you see a future that is not at all what you "want" for yourself or your life and you say...ok God if this is what you mean for me, for my destiny...then I will do your work.
For 15 plus years now I have had a very clear intention about my life. What my marriage would look like and what gifts I was here to give and how I was suppose to give them. Every time life would deviate from this "plan" I would be upset frustrated and disillusioned. If these "plans" I made were divinely inspired...as I knew they were...(in church visions of my future, supported by unexplained physical energetic experiences, etc.) then WHY, when I was on this divine path, was I being beaten down, misdirected, abandoned, disliked, alone, poor etc. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", people would say to me or "God would not put these obstacles in front of you if he/she didn't believe you could handle it". "For fuck sake", I would say to myself or sometimes to that dear friend/advisor who was giving me advice..."I am strong enough, please let me rest and give my gift".
In the conversation this morning we were discussing this precipice that I feel I am on and this friend has been reflecting to me for almost 2 years now. He closed his eyes and told me that he was feeling into me...and saw that I wanted my life to go a certain way...well yeah! But that he believed that none of these things that he saw for me would happen until I completely let go of them happening. And that it was all about the moments, giving my gift to those right here, right now. This is the very work I have been doing for the last few months...so as these words flowed out of his mouth I knew that I was on the right path. Then he mentioned the universe not being able to be in deficit to an individual...so If you continued to just give, eventually the universe would be forced to give back. (As I write this I cannot keep up with all my thoughts...how it is all converging together faster than I can get it out.) I told him that was the third time I had heard that this week. And then he went on to tell me that when things happen in threes...he pays attention like God is speaking...there is that three again!!! Ok...so now I really know I am for sure in the right place, at the right time,with the right person.
I briefly mentioned my newest vision (from Yoga on Friday) of our midwifery school being a training for birth "warriors" of sorts...with Yoga and Meditation and nature. About my 40th birthday that is about 6 weeks away, and how I would love for him to come and do a ritual, rites of passage or blessing. And how since sitting there with him I thought about my vision to do a retreat center, explained my vision and that perhaps this is the reason we are connected and he confirmed that this has been his vision as well.
I am changing...I am morphing there is no doubt about it...but what I got driving to Trader Joes this afternoon...brought me to tears...now these tears have been there for several days just under the surface...and I couldn't quite understand why. Yesterday at a dear friends blessing way...I was reflecting on my need to be liked, about what I made up the other women were thinking about me, and how I have a certain level of jealousy in regards to the joy my friend is experiencing in her life with a new baby and a beautiful relationship. I assumed that I was happy for her, but also that I was sad for me...I have dreams dying all around me...shedding layer after layer of what I thought my life would be like...accepting more and more..who I am, where I am and what my life might be...but in there I am finding peace, serenity and calm. I have had many people that are very close to me reflect how I have changed so much...how I am softer, more sweet and feminine than ever before.
So the tears today the were the understanding that everything I have believed about my soul mate and I finding each other and doing amazing work together, the fact that my business could transform the way birth is managed and perceived in the states, the fact that I had a vision of five adult children in my life or myself on a talk show, that I might be married, that I might make a difference, that I am important to many...I saw that none of that might be true. That if I give myself completely over to God...that this might be it. That being alone and meeting many, many men might be so I can touch and impact their lives. That I might make more of an impact being single. That I have NO idea what my life of God might look like and that my friend was right. I have to let go of any attachment whatsoever and surrender that this truly maybe it. My hay day, as good as it gets. Although my ego wants to morn...my soul is beginning to reveal to me...the simplicity of this fact, the quiet in the knowing it and the peace in the surrender.
I see now that all those times I believed I was giving my life over to God...how much ego I still have involved...perhaps I have miles to go...and perhaps just the next moment.