Writing a public blog is so interesting(I have been private with my blogs for years now), left to my own devices I would reveal so much more. I truly believe that we can really help each other by being transparent..its not to be narcissistic, I actually write almost ever post I put on Facebook as an opportunity to be human and attempt to transform or become enlightened and hope that it inspires others or contributes in some way to their own path.
But I am not the only character in my story...and I am not sure how those other people might feel about me revealing so much...so navigating gracefully around that I am sure is an art form. Of which I am a novice. But here it goes...if I upset you with my post..let me know and I will see how I can still be self expressed with out pissing off my family and friends.
Today was Father's Day...not just any Fathers Day.... My relationship with my father has always been challenging and at the source of all of my poor choices, mis and self deprecating behaviors relating to men. So access to the fullest expression of myself and attracting my sacred partner is through healing my relationship with my father. Yep...have known this for 20+ years and every time...I seemed to take a step forward with him we would take another back. But lately (actually in the middle of my 40 day man-i-fast) we have taken a turn in the right direction. The story is actually divine in nature and maybe ill dedicate a post just to that. But for now I'll focus on today....
Tomorrow is my dad's 70th birthday...and as many of us do around big birthday's we reflect on where we are, where we are going and how we feel about all of that. My dad and I had very healing and important discussions about how he has shown up so far and how that has impacted me and my children...it was so honest and vulnerable for both of us...we wept and held each other and said some difficult things and discussed our fear around being so honest and what is really needed in moving forward to create a better relationship. I would say in many ways...everything has led up to this day all of the choices I have made enabled this to transpire...this may be the 2nd father's day I have spent with my dad in 40 years. (Last year being the first)
I thought how will it actually translate, this healing my relationship with my dad...will it just be an energetic like someone's keeping track? "Yep check that on off, she's good with dad, one step closer" or more like since I have more compassion for my dad's humanity that Ill be more accepting of the imperfections of my future mate? I know that my relationship with my dad is an important step in being ready for my love because I have heard it a million times, from a million different sources, but honestly not exactly sure how that will directly manifest in my love life...regardless, it felt amazing to finally be held by my dad when I cried, to hear him say sorry for not being there when I was growing up, to hear him say he was proud of how much I have overcome and what an amazing life I have built for myself , that I was on the top of a gratitude list he recently wrote and that I was responsible for the best father's day he ever had:)
The last thing he said before I left was "It's gonna be so great to be at your wedding!" And I agree! What a lovely festive event it will be and all that know me will be joyous that I have been united with my beloved!
As I drove home I figured I would take one more step in completing my last relationship (the inspiration for the 40 day man-i-fast:) I stopped at a spot along the coast where we shared one of our magical evenings together...memories are engrained in the sand there and our love still hung heavy in the air all around...I figured I would go down to the spot and meditate and leave it all behind on that beach one more layer of letting go and making room.
I did a ceremony that my spiritual counselor Kelly Sullivan Walden taught me. I dug a hole in the sand and I closed my eyes and I imagined burying and leaving behind all that was keeping me tethered in the past and unable to move forward and really focusing my energy in calling in my sacred partner. LOTS AND LOTS of tears and not wanting to let go and I stayed with that energy putting the images and memories in one by one. When I was ready I opened my eyes and drew a symbol that represented the feelings that were present. Then I closed my eyes and imagined tentacles of sorts that energetically still connect me to this man and imagined where each connected to my body interestingly enough they seemed to match up to each chakra center...then I imagined a cutting tool in my hand and I severed them one by one and placed them too in the hole. (I thought this was silly too the first time I did it...but man did I feel better after...somethings are beyond our understanding...energy is an interesting and magical force). Then when I was ready I covered the hole and made another symbol of what was now present.
A spiral that goes on and extends way beyond its origin...as I walked away I felt I was still grieving...but like a woman who just buried her lover, not someone who was wishing he would come back from the dead...just a woman letting go ...what a beautiful day...and as I end this post at a few minutes before midnight. I can say that I truly lived with my whole self today...giving myself fully to all that life had to offer...I can go to sleep content, with no regrets..ah...what a day.
Weekend Adventure -Midwives in Maui
March 16, 2018
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