If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
-Anna Nalick (Just Breathe)
I knew the question would come or maybe everyone was wondering but only one person asked. "Why did you do it?" This day has been coming for a few years. Every decision I make is VERY conscious. I am what some would call an "overthinker"... some people think I am an over sharer too:) What follows is my truest...truth as I can tell you in this moment. (Disclaimer: I am going to use bad language and not be grammatically correct...cuz its my blog and I am tired of doing it your way...so if you don't like it...don't read it:)
So....why did I cut my hair....well just like me...its deep and multi-layered.
I have NEVER really fit in. EVER. Over the years I have, as I think many of us have...covered up parts of ourselves, to be loved, to fit in, to be successful, to ______? You fill in the blanks. Who knows, maybe I am more "different" than others. Maybe I am challenged more, feel more stifled and sad about suppressing my fullest expression. Seems like as soon as I really feel like I am busting out of my shell someone smacks my hand and I recoil back into the "good girl" the one who gets along well with others, doesn't rock the boat too much. "Don't make them feel too much, don't be so intimidating, don't take the lead so much, stop being so out there, be more professional, stop crying, your too masculine". Sometimes I get the "I am so proud of you" or, "you are so inspiring"..........and I'll tell you, the 2 or 3 of those can sustain me for many, many years. Yes, I am exhibiting the courage to be fully me in this fucking crazy, backwards, insane society we live in. I know when I see others do it ...I breathe a little more knowing I am not alone. Most of us are living the smallest, tiniest versions of ourselves, because we are totally terrified that the real us won't be accepted. Or maybe that's just me...but I don't think so...I think there is a little bit of something in all of us that we keep hidden away from the community at large. And we would be happier If we didn't.
I guess I am what people call a "non-conformist" I suppose I have never called myself this because...well I don't "conform" to "labels" or boxes or shackles.
Why would I blog about this or any of my other really personal journeys? My last love would say, "don't cast pearls before swine"...and I get that because sometimes its just not worth it to waste your breath or give your gifts to those that don't appreciate it or get you. However, I believe there is gold in everyone of us...some of us have more crusty stuff from all the fucked up shit that has happened to us over a life time...but women don't birth swine...they birth beautiful sweet little souls...and its our job to keep peeling away the skins, the masks, the barriers to REALLY relating to one another, or to really giving our gifts, to living our lives full out...before we are gone. So I give my gifts freely to all that they relate to, hoping that my gift of courage and ability to speak my truth will help another do the same.
So mostly, to tell you the truth ... I did this for you. To give you permission to do whatever the fuck you want to...NOW in this moment, in this life, with your body, your children, what brings you juice. I want women who I serve to know that they are beautiful...just the way they are..pregnant, bleeding, crying, loving,saying no I don't want to do it your way...we are more than enough.
I have had the same hairdresser for 12 years. But I did this in a friends house in private with wine and tears. My hairdresser discouraged me to let it go grey...that's what this is REALLY about more than the haircut. This is how far I had to go...to get to the real me...all the way down...to the roots. I spend thousands of dollars every year to "cover" up my grey. My priorities have shifted, I am becoming a midwife, a goddess, a queen, a priestess. Yes I am boldly and openly declaring this...I don't need to spend money trying to cover up who I really am because, who I really am isn't "sexy". This is what I was told, "women should never go grey, its not sexy."(said to me by a 50+ man who is grey and sexy as hell....you know I love you Allen!!) . Well, I am sexy, because I am real. I am sexy with grey hair and a body that has carried, delivered and nursed three children, I am not 20 I don't have that body anymore, but I watch most 20 somethings in yoga class and they have very little relationship to their body from a deeply spiritual place. To me owning who you are, all of it ....is sexy. AND so WHAT if I am not SEXY does this mean I don't have worth, that I am not lovable. Come on people!! We are not all here to just use each other...we are here to love one another, hold each other up, make each other laugh and live this life fully!
So here's the list.
1) I don't really want to buy into the whole superficial beauty bullshit, not that is not fun to feel attractive. But that can come in many sizes, shapes and colors...including grey.
2) I am committed to aging gracefully. I want to stay healthy and vibrant as long as I can...but I don't want to be that older woman who's trying to hard to hold on to something that is gone. Its happening people we are aging...this body is not forever, these moments, these relationships they aren't forever.
3) Like I said earlier, I want to inspire other women to do what they want, grey, short, no makeup, frumpy clothes, overt sexuality. Whatever, is your truest expression, live it.
4) I want my children to understand that I am still me whether they like the hair or not...our love for each other doesn't change. And that there is beauty beyond what TV and magazines are feeding us, in the grey, in the wrinkles, there is value in a person beyond the superficial.
5) I think its time to attract a different kind of man...someone who would appreciate a woman who was confident enough to be her...through and through. My last love opened the door by gifting me with acceptance for all of my so-called physical flaws. What a beautiful gift to give another human being...to love them unconditionally.
6) My priorities are changing, I have a large tuition to pay and this was a simple one for me to cut out (pun intended) to make room for my education as a midwife. I have been told over and over becoming a midwife is much more than learning the skills...it is transforming who you are to hold space for women in this way and to live a full life in service to this mission.
People keep asking me if I like it...that's not what its really about. I like me. The hair is just hair.
So I fight on....to become more myself to shed the skins that keep me from loving you, connecting with you, inspiring you, holding you...these are my gifts...I have been to very, very deep waters, and very very magnificently beautiful magical moments. My life and all that I do is so that I can keep empowering others...to go deep, live full out, keep your heart open, and shed the skins...
Weekend Adventure -Midwives in Maui
March 16, 2018
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