Birthing the Midwife within me

I am birthing myself yet again. I just endured yet ANOTHER heartbreak. This one...has cracked me open in many surprising ways...I have been truly humbled...a feeling I can't say I am too familiar with...humility has a regal and wise essence to it...I am familiar with shame, self doubt, self loathing, embarrassment etc. But humility is a new one for me. I won't get to deep into this one right now for its too fresh and I still care if this Scorpio will be bothered by my openness about our love and the end of it. His chapter has ended so for sure full disclosure of this deep and connected love will be in my book.

Simultaneously I have started Midwifery school after 20+ years of circling around as a support person. Its a three year journey where I will drive down to San Diego every week for our class, do homework in between and begin an unpaid apprenticeship to complete my clinicals required for licensure. Hopefully, as a single mom and the owner of my company I will be able to complete this daunting task in 3 years. The financial strain, the division of my own "labor" to manage all of these jobs and to making sure that my children are taken care of and thriving in my absence will be an amazing feat. I have NO idea how its really going to work out...the time is now... and so I leap with faith into the next stage of my life. All other midwives allude to the personal transformation that you must go through to hold this type of space for other women...already I can see the pieces falling away...and yet another "me" or "un-me" is being born...kind of exciting actually! I interviewed a famous midwife for part of my homework last week. She is a very spiritual individual and I was inspired by the space that she holds at births and her relentless commitment to "keeping her side of the fence clean" as I like to call it for each birth she attends so that she brings no past, no fear, ego or agenda. She is present for every moment and focuses only on her breath ......for the entire birth...so that she can be available for what her intuition may tell her. At the end of our talk out of seemingly nowhere (i have told her nothing of my recent breakup and the weeks of processing and purging and taking responsibility that I have been going through) she says. "You know that man your looking for...he's coming, you could not partner with him until you became a midwife for this is an entirely new version of yourself." I believe it...I feel it...